Victims of relationship violence and abuse eventually realise that THEY are not the problem and are not responsible for the violence; that they cannot and will never please their partner no matter what they do or how hard they try to change to fit the abuser’s requirements.

Women say:
‘I felt I caused it and sometimes it was definitely my fault. I felt even more isolated from asking for help from women’s groups because I wasn’t like those women who could not be blamed.’ 

Men say:
’I felt excluded from domestic violence services because they are often only for women, and it can be hard to find appropriate support.’

A victim of relationship violence said:
‘If my abuser tries to get me back or wants to see me, he may promise all sorts of things. He may promise to attend Twelve Step meetings, go to counselling, cut down or quit drinking, cut down or quit using drugs, or never hurt me again. He may swear that he’s sorry; say what he did was wrong, or blame something or someone else.

He may act loving and apologetic, remorseful and emotional, or he may try to get me to feel sorry for him. His actions may turn angry, and he may threaten me, call me names, or yell at me. He may tell me I can’t make it without him, no one will believe me, I’m crazy, or I’m being selfish. He may say many things to me, but one thing I can count on: He will say anything he can think of to get what he wants. I needed to know that all of these claims are typical of abusers. He may use different words, but the fact that he says them is typical of any abuser. But the fact remains; trusting him not to resort to violence again is one gamble that I will not allow myself to make.’