Women who are victims of domestic violence often feel that they should stay in the relationship because of the children. There is a great deal of social pressure to keep the family together. Some mothers try to shield their children from witnessing the violence, and tolerate the abuse because they feel that it is in their children’s best interests to have a “father figure”.

However, this social pressure not to break up the family can prevent women from fully realising the serious impact the violence has upon themselves and upon their children.

Mothers are often caught in a bind. A woman cannot adequately protect her child if she herself is not protected. If she asks for protection for herself, her children may be removed.

VOCAL Inc NSW believe that women often stay because “all those services out there”, if they actually exist, if they take her family on, if there is a reasonable waiting period, if the financial support is made available, If the Family Court and State Courts act to control the violent perpetrator, may still not really help to keep her safe.

The Federal Government has a somewhat harsh attitude to single mothers, no matter how or why they are single, who they are caring for, how well they do it or who they are trying to protect. Too many systems are ignorant of what abuse is and how the abuser manipulates the systems and the finances to keep the control going. Too many are complicit in the perpetration of abuse.

A concerning number of clients have complained that all those services out there, haven’t really helped them. Too many say ‘If I’d known of the total disregard for me, my safety and my children’s welfare in the Family Court, I’d have stayed in my home. At least I’d be able to educate the kids…..And child support!  What a waste of a good idea, more fodder for abusers.’

Reasons why the mother may not recognise or admit the impact of her partner’s violence on the children include: 

• failure to recognise the abuse as domestic violence
• believing that the children do not know about the violence (i.e. not in the room, asleep, too young to notice)
• the experience as a victim of violence has diminished her parenting skills (i.e. exhaustion, fear for her own safety, constant vigilance)
• believing that the children “need a father”
• believing the children are not affected because he is not violent to the children
• fear of being seen as a failure as a parent or of being alone
• feelings of shame, helplessness and guilt
• fear that the children will be removed regardless of who the perpetrator is
• fear of further violence or escalating violence if they report the perpetrator
• fear of not being able to save/resurrect the relationship if they report the perpetrator
• no knowledge of sources of support for herself and the children
• the children are “well-behaved and good” and do not demonstrate any negative responses to the violence (misinterpretation of the effects of violence)
• effects of the violence are attributed to other causes (eg. financial or employment problems)
• no understanding of the long-term effects of violence
• lack of confidence to handle finances etc.

(Townsend, n.d.; Stark, 1994; Hotch et al., 1995; Saskatchewan Institute on Prevention of Handicaps, 1997).