Most people, especially non-offending parents,  on hearing a child has been sexually abused want to tell police, so they can catch and gaol the criminal.  However, that normal reaction can be better acted on, with a little information.
 
A complaint of an alleged offence means immediate entry into a complex legal minefield both in the criminal sphere, and also in Family Law if the alleged perpetrator is a family member.  There are no exact guidelines endorsed by the State or Federal Governments for parents to follow in cases like these. 

So, if a child says she or he has been abused, try to stay calm. If you can’t, you need to tell the child you are so sorry that has happened, that you will find out what to do, then think about who you can call for advice and support for yourself, so you can manage what follows.  Once the child is settled and occupied, you can seek that support.

We suggest that at this stage you do not ask for details or get the child to tell the story until you get guidance. 

At law, if you are the first person the child has ‘disclosed to’ you are ‘The person of first report’.  That means, should the case go to court, you will be allowed to tell the court what the child told you. Normally this would be regarded as ‘hearsay’ and excluded from court but in a sexual assault matter that rule is lifted.  It may be recommended that the person to whom the child discloses is a professional in the field.

The real problem is that it is very hard to be a witness (person of first report) and a parent at the same time.  One involves no collusion with the victim, not discussing ‘the case’, and cases often take years.  It means not being involved with the day-to-day coping, talking to the child about any impacts if the crime, and being a parent means doing all these things.  If the case goes to court, you want to be clear about your role and parenting, and professionals ought to be able to be a professional witness to a disclosure without the taint of collusion.

Reality Testing 
Some courts will ask the parent ‘What reality testing did you do?’ – to somehow test whether the child is telling the truth, or making something up.  

Do not take your child to a mental health and medical professional right away, unless of course the child is injured and the crime was very recent.  In that case you might take the child to the hospital, don’t let them eat anything or bathe, and do not change their clothes so they can be examined forensically. 

Actions, Impacts, Symptoms and Signs
The best predictor of recovery from child sexual abuse is support, love and protection from their main caregiver and professionals specialising in children; which means the capacity to put the child’s needs and experience before your own. As a parent or caregiver, you might also need to consider getting help for yourself for as long as you need it. It is often very hard to accept that a child has been sexually abused, and often anger can be immediate, and swiftly strong, but you will not be supporting your child if you respond in certain unhelpful ways.

Extreme anger from you may make the child feel unsafe even though your anger is directed to the abuser.  It may make the child sorry they told you and scared for you or for the other person.  You will not be able to provide support if you are overwhelmed with your own emotions. Don’t downplay the abuse in an attempt to make the child feel better (e.g. “it wasn’t that bad”), but also try not to have extreme reactions (e.g. ‘I’ll kill the bastard’), or express negative predictions or fears for the child’s future (e.g. “my child will never be safe again”).

It will not help the child if you force them to talk, or cross-examine them to get to the bottom of it all, or if you act in any way where the child can interpret (perhaps mistakenly) that you blame or shame them. Getting therapy for yourself can help you deal with your own feelings about the abuse so you might be better able to provide support to your child. As the parent of a child who has been sexually abused in NSW, you can apply for counseling through the Victims of Crime Approved Counselling Scheme 

Children who have been sexual abused often feel disconnected from other children, may have relationship problems making friends, may socially isolate themselves, may rebel, or may be extra sociable, courteous, competent, compliant, do well at school, and even act lovingly to the abuser etc.  All people are different in their short and long-term responses.  Many go on to live good lives, others lead lives of escalating damage.

Anecdote: ‘A VOCAL client, aged 40, had never spoken about the serious, ongoing abuse of her up to her teen years, because her father had said he would kill her if she told, and she absolutely believed he would. With support, she did speak out.  He left the country.’

Sexual abuse can be very confusing for children. For the child, it frequently involves grooming rather than violence, and they may have felt “special” due to the grooming, before they recognise they were used and/or hurt by a once trusted adult or important community member. The abused child might learn to believe that the only way to get attention or love is to give something sexual or give up their self-respect.  Most  children believe (and are groomed to believe) that the abuse is their fault somehow. They may think the abuser chose them because they must have wanted it, because they did something to make the abuser act as they did or because there is something wrong with them.

If the abuser was of the same sex, children (and parents) might wonder if that means they are “gay.”  If it occurs at a time before the child’s gender persona has fully emerged, it can cause distressing confusion and questions they may not dare ask. Sexual abuse makes children very reluctant to speak out about what is happening to them.

Child sexual assault victims where the crime occurred in NSW may be eligible to claim Victims Counselling or Compensation